I Didn’t Look Away

I didn’t look away.

Apparently I have a habit of looking away when my husband tells me I’m beautiful, but today I didn’t and my husband noted that growth.

So why am I sharing this? 

Because the Lord told me to start writing again but I can’t seem to be transparent as I once was.

So much has changed...I have changed.

What use to be so easy has become so hard.

I feel kind of like Moses.

He felt confident with his first attempt to save and help his people when he first killed that Egyptian on his own prideful impulse.

But 40 years later, as a run away fugitive in the desert, vulnerable in humility, he wasn’t too sure how God could use him now.

A lot had changed for him too.

Moses questioned with “what if”.

Then Moses answered, “What if the people of Israel do not believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?”

Exodus‬ ‭4:1‬ ‭ICB‬‬

I question with the same “what if’s” that are rooted in fear.

I know God wants to use my voice. He wants me to write. He wants me to share on live videos.  He wants me to put myself out there again.

But fear.

Fear of disapproval, not being good enough, rejection, and fear of failure once again.

Please tell me I’m not the only one that struggles with fear!

The desert definitely changes people.

For me the desert looked like betrayal, addiction, abuse, and two failed marriages.

It changed me.

How could it not?

I know it wasn’t meant to punish me but it was meant to prune me, prepare me, and position me for the now.

It was there in the desert God appeared to me as He did Moses. 

It was there I came closer to God and found myself kneeling in the Holy Presence of God calling my name...Sarah, Sarah.

It was there I experienced His grace and mercy.

It was there I was found broken...beautifully broken.

And today...I didn’t look away.

Today...I wrote.